A toilet and a pumpkin pastry
by Lotten
Summary: This is the story of how a Hogwarts toilet and one particularily soggy pumpkin pastry changed the world. Slash and lots of other stuff.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Once more, this is Lotten and Hanna (Falsetto) writing together, being the awesomeness of DOOM. This fic is a sort of Angst/Humour/Romance/Hurt-Comfort fic, but you can't pick that many categories. Thus, the weird labling.

Also, there will be slash. But we're not telling who are going to be slashed. So there.

xxx

**Chapter One**

xxx

"See ya, Snivellus!"

Sticks and stones and all that, but Severus had a feeling that he would indeed be seeing those boys again, and perhaps then they would be capable of actually hurting him. He was quite right.

It developed into a form of personal vendetta, the kind that could (and probably would) go on for years. It wasn't so bad a first, with only James and Sirius to worry about, but it didn't take very long before Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew joined the club. They were only too happy to go after the sullen, solitary Slytherin that must obviously be a really nasty type since their friends didn't like him, and somewhere around there a line was crossed. What had begun as mere exchanges of snide remarks and perhaps the occasional tripping now became a matter of conjuring up 'better' and 'funnier' so-called 'pranks.'

Severus looked it up in a dictionary. A prank is defined as 'a trick that is intended to be amusing but not to cause harm or damage.'

Now that _was_ rather amusing, or would have been if he hadn't been so sore from all the burns caused by them adding something in his kettle during Potions class, causing the whole thing to spurt like a geyser all over him. He'd managed to get through the day, though, without giving them the satisfaction of seeing him cry. However, when his bladder informed him that it was time to go, he simply couldn't stop the tears from falling as soon as he'd locked the door, and _that_ was why he ran away in panic when his tormenters thought of the spiffy idea to practise the newly learned _alohomora_ spell on the cubicle door with a cheering crowd behind them.

History is made by strange things. Falling apples, timeturners, love or a toilet cubicle. Anything has the potential to change the world (yes, even you) and in this case, History would take a different path because of remorse felt by an eleven years old boy.

Sirius hadn't known what they'd see once they'd opened the door – then again, there are only so many things one can occupy oneself with inside a toilet cubicle, except for the obvious. He hadn't counted on finding Snape crying. What he _had_ counted on was that it was going to be hysterically funny, and was both shocked and horrified to find that it wasn't. It was just sad and awkward, and it made him feel like the worst kind of bastard.

And he couldn't forget about it. That night, he tossed and turned in his bed for several hours before managing to drift into sleep and confused dreams about running from toilet to toilet without ever finding on that was vacant, and everyone was standing around, laughing…

The day after, he kept throwing guilty looks at Snape's empty seat all through breakfast, and when the skinny Slytherin turned up ten minutes late for Charms, spent most of his time at the furthest corner of the classroom, and excused himself five minutes before class ended, Sirius couldn't take it anymore. As soon as class was over he went in search for the other boy.

Snape was sitting under a tree by the lake, for all the world reading a book. Closer examination revealed that his eyes weren't moving, and in any case it would have been a difficult task turning page even if he'd wanted to, since his hands were frozen stiff by the bone-chilling autumn wind.

Sirius approached with warily, unsure of what to say or do. Apologising wasn't something e was good at, and he hadn't made much effort to improve by practising. It shook him, though, to see how he'd affected Snape.

"Um… Sni… I mean, Severus?"

Snape's head snapped up, his eyes widening, and a heartbeat later he was scrambling clumsily to his feet while apparently trying to back away, and not having much luck seeing as the tree was still very much there.

"Wuh-what?! What d-do you want?" It could, of course, be that Snape was shaking with cold, or that he'd always had a small stutter, or that he'd been startled by Sirius' sudden appearance… or, of course, it could be that he was more or less scared stiff of the other boy. Sirius had to concede that the latter alternative sounded like the most likely one.

"Nothing! That is, I'm not going to do anything. To you, I mean. Er… That is… I wanted to say… uh… that I'm sort of… reallysorrywedidthattoyouokay?"

Severus was stunned, and definitively not sure he'd heard it right. "Y…you what?"

Sirius was on the verge of saying something along the lines of, 'You mean I have to say it _again?_', but realised in time that this would probably not be the best way of appealing to Snape's sense of forgiveness. Instead, he hung his head, glad for an opportunity to avert his eyes, and repeated his apology in a somewhat more coherent manner.

Severus had no idea to react, and thus opted for the 'blank stare' approach.

Sirius shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "Look... I... I know it's mostly us that have been... uhm... but if I promise that we'll stop, couldn't we just...?"

"You know you guys are bastards, right? Why should I forgive you?" The words flew out of Severus, liberated by Sirius willingness to negotiate a truce. A blush immediately bloomed on his cheeks and he backed away, expecting a punch or... something.

Sirius also flinched away, blushing, and for an observer it would probably have looked rather comical. Thankfully, no observer was present, because for a moment Sirius really _did_ want to hit Snape, and had there been anyone there to witness his humiliation... As it was, he glared at the other boy for a few seconds, before letting loose of a resigned sigh. "I know, okay? I know we've been scum. That's why I wanted to apologise. Because... because I don't want to be... someone who makes others... uh... sad."

"Oh... well... alright then." Yes, it was sudden, but Severus was a Slytherin after all, and what would be gained if he gryffindorishly stuck to his pride? Sure he wanted to, but he was alone and their name was Legion, for they were many.

There was an awkward silence. Actually, awkward didn't quite cover it, but Sirius was at a moment a bit stumped for words, and in any case had other things to try to figure out that were more urgent. Like, what the hell to say next.

After staring very productively at his shoes, he finally fished a squashed and rather soggy pumpkin pastry out of his pocket, clumsily unwrapping the sticky paper. "Uhm... want some?" he ventured, offering the crumbling pastry to the other boy.

Understanding dawned in Severus' eyes. "Oh, I get it, you were sent here to _pretend_ to apologise just so you could give me that. You've probably hexed it, or put dog poo in it or…whatever!"

"No! That's not at all…" Sirius looked positively horrified. It hadn't even occurred to him that Snape would take it that way. He considered getting angry, but when he thought about it, that was exactly the sort of thing he and his friends might've come up with, so who was to blame Snape for being suspicious? "Look, I understand why you'd think… But here, wait, I'll have some of it…" He took a rather healthy bite from one corner of the pastry. "Shee," he said, spraying crumbs, "I didn't do anything to it."

Still looking suspicious, Severus accepted what must be though of as the peace offering and took a bite. A small bite. He hated pumpkin in all forms.

Sirius smiled encouragingly. "See? Isn't this a lot better? It was all so silly, don't you think? Being enemies and all that. Yeah, I know, it was mostly our fault, but that will _change_ now! I'll talk to the others. I'm sure they'll agree that it's better if we just…" He prattled on cheerfully, and Severus wondered if Black would _always _be this talkative, because then he wasn't sure if things were really about to improve.

xxx

"Hey, James, stop that will you?"

James looked up in surprise and lowered the chosen projectile – a potato – that he'd been on his way to sling at the back of Snape's head. "What?"

"Just… stop it, right. I don't want to… I don't want us to do that anymore."

James frowned. "But… why?"

"Because… look, yesterday when we… when we opened that toilet door and he… He was _crying_, James. I mean, I don't want to make people cry. It's something mean, horrible… _Slytherins _do. And besides, he's a _nice_ Slytherin. I didn't know that there were any, but I talked to him and he wasn't that bad at all. I don't want to be mean to someone like that."

James' frown didn't let up. Something was obviously wrong. And the he figured it out. "He put a _spell _on you! Oh, I'll get that nasty little…" He raised the potato once more, with _a lot_ of feeling.

"No! No, don't!" Sirius actually grabbed his arm this time, and Remus and Peter – both hurriedly doing their homework for the next class – looked up in surprise at his raised voice. "No, please don't," Sirius added a bit quieter, as the two other boys leaned in to listen. "He's not put a spell on me at all, I just feel… really bad for making him cry, and I don't want to do it anymore." At this point, Sirius decided that calling for reinforcements was a good idea. It might be a low blow, but he was sure it was going to work. "That's right, isn't it, Remus? You shouldn't make people cry, right?"

"Um… no," Remus said, more to his homework than Sirius. A blush was creeping all over his face, because what kind of Gryffindor went around without saying something when your best friends were doing something you thought was wrong, like he'd been doing?

"See! You agree too, don't you, Peter?" Without waiting for an answer, Sirius turned back to James. "Can't we just forget about this? He's not really that bad, _really._ I mean, we don't have to be _friends_ with him or anything."

"Er… okay, fine," James said, shrugging, "if it's that important to you."

And that's when Sirius realised that James didn't even hate Snape. He'd just done it because it was fun. But then again, so had Sirius. They'd all done it just because they had nothing better to do, and they _all could've stopped it_ at any point, because honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. And it had gone so far that they had made him cry, simply because none of them could be bothered to call a halt, even though they'd all known that it was wrong.

Feeling rather ill, Sirius pushed his plate away. James, beside him, had hurled his potato down the table, probably because, well, you couldn't eat it now anyway, could you? And now he was loading more gravy onto his plate. Remus was also looking a bit ill, and he blushed when he met Sirius' gaze. Peter was staring down at his homework with a stony look on his face. And Sirius would remember that, later…

xxx

Remus was sitting in a windowsill, leaning his head against one of the cold glass panes and looking out over the castle grounds. His eyes locked on to a random student hurrying off to Quidditch practise and he let them follow the girl while his thoughts turned over and over the dilemma he'd been forced to face up to during lunch. How could it be right to let someone get hurt over and over again just to prevent that the same thing happened to you? It _wasn't _right. He knew it, and right there he made a decision to change. It was time to stop being paralyzed by fear. A lot of people had secrets and still spoke their mind. So would he.

xxx

The downside of the truce, Severus realised, was that once he'd agreed to it, it was absolutely impossible to get rid of Black. He turned up everywhere, chattering mercilessly and, it seemed, hell-bent on being his _friend_. As far as Severus knew, he'd never agreed to that. As far as Severus knew, if fact, 'No, I don't mind you _not_ kicking the shit out of me, and if it's forgiveness you want, then fine', was not synonymous with 'Be my new best friend!'. But apparently, no one had told Sirius.

And to make it all worse, Lily was _encouraging_ him! _She_ thought that it was an _excellent_ idea, and was really happy to see that Black had come to his senses, and really proud to see that _some _Gryffindors would live as they learned, and so on, and so forth. Sometimes, for all that he worshipped the ground she walked upon, Lily could really get on his nerves.

However, he still had the sneaking suspicion that should he put some effort in it he probably could get rid of the other boy. Unfortunately, that would mean upsetting Sirius, and consequentially his friends. Should that happen they would all be back on square one and he'd get kicked around again, and _this_ time they'd be sure he deserved it, since not wanting to become friends with your repentant bullies was obviously a very mean thing to do.

And so he reluctantly accepted the other boy's persistent attempts at friendliness, and it appeared that this was all the encouragement Sirius needed. And even though Severus dreaded the prospect of seven years at Hogwarts with the maddening Black heir in tow, at least it made Lily happy, and he had to admit that the utterly befuddled and somewhat jealous look on Potter's face every time Black skipped off to join the Slytherin table was at least a small consolation.

xxx

Sirius was determined never _ever_ to be mean to _anyone_ _ever_ again. Over the course of just one week, determination actually evolved to obsession.

"Traitor!" a random Slytherin girl he didn't know and had never had any kind of contact with before screamed after him. It was a normal enough taunt, he had betrayed his blood by becoming a Gryffindor after all. His reaction was instinctive, and his mouth opened to throw a searing remark back at her. But before the words flew, they got caught in his throat by the so newly acquired and fearsomely armed thought police.

_Wait, what if she's just mean because the other Slytherins have bullied her to say nasty things to me? What if I'll make her sad, maybe she's really sensitive and starts crying for every little thing you say? What if she gets so sad that she'll never be happy again? I don't want to make people cry!_

And he just turned around and decided to take a detour to get to Herbology.

He was alone, which was rather unusual, and surprisingly pleasant in his own right. It wasn't often he was separated from the others.

_Peter often is, though._

He didn't know where the thought came from, but he was immediately struck by the truth of it. Peter _was_ often left out, and neither of them did anything about it. It was like they all thought 'Hey, he should just be happy he gets to hang out with us,' and that was enough.

He was certain now that it wasn't and vowed in his impulsive way to make sure that Peter would never have to feel lonely or left out again.

Sirius had another motive for this new course of action, though, but one he was barely aware of himself. Namely: He was feeling a bit lonely. For while it was true that Severus was his friend now – he had to be, after all; they spent time together every day – he wasn't as close a friend as James w… well, _had been._ James, confused by Sirius new strange habits and feeling rather neglected, now preferred to spend more time with Remus, who had also changed, but into a person James could understand better. And so, being more friendly towards and interested in Peter – who, contrary to Severus, wasn't as much hard work – also meant curing his loneliness somewhat.

xxx

When class ended, James and Remus watched in astonishment as Sirius pulled Peter off to the side, and after a whispered conversation the two told their bewildered friends that they were going to the library to study together. If James and Remus wanted to they could of course come with them.

Both boys shook their heads, not feeling very studious at all for the moment. They'd been planning a to pull a glorious prank on that uptight third year Ravenclaw who'd dared to tell them to quiet down the day before when they _had _felt like going to the library. They'd been staging a spontaneous performance of "Why Slytherins are so nasty", a play they'd written the previous night, and the silly twat had the nerve not to appreciate it. He obviously needed to be punished.

James crossed his arms, radiating annoyance. "Huh. What's up with that?"

"What?" Remus said, looking rather taken aback.

"That! _Him_." James gestured at the door Sirius had just left through. "We've been planning that prank _all day_, and then he just takes off like that. _And_ he took Peter with him."

Remus shrugged. "I guess they don't feel like it anymore. C'mon, it's not that big of a deal. I mean, we can do something else instead."

But James wasn't prepared to let it go. He followed Remus down the corridor, wildly gesticulating while he spoke. "But it's not just this, Remus! He's been like… like… I don't know what he's been like lately, but I don't like it. He's all squeamish about stuff we used to do before, and he keeps hanging out with _Slytherins!_"

"Um, Slyther_ins_?"

"Well, one Slytherin at least. But it's not just any old Slytherin, it's Sniv-"

"We promised Sirius we wouldn't call him that anymore," Remus pointed out patiently.

"Oh, _fine_ then. _Snape._ There, happy? But I don't get it. One day, we're all agreed that we hate his slimy guts, the next day, suddenly he's Sirius' new best friend." He spat out the last three words, as if they had a foul taste.

Remus eyes fell to the floor. Sure he knew that Sirius had always been the one closest to James, but it still stung to have his own company so recklessly dismissed as second-rate, even though he was pretty sure James didn't do it on purpose. "Well… Maybe he's trying to make up for us being so shitty towards him for so long." He swallowed, knowing that James didn't like it much when you disagreed with him. "I mean, we never go after anyone like we used to go after him."

James scowled, but said nothing. He couldn't really disagree, and for some reason he was suddenly feeling embarrassed. He snuck a glance at Remus, finding that his friend was looking just as uncomfortable as he was feeling, and decided that this was a good time to leave the subject. "Come on," he said, forcing himself to grin as he slung an arm around Remus' shoulders, "let's go nick some food from the kitchens."

xxx

Sirius and Peter entered the library chatting comfortably, more similar then they'd imagined and different enough to be interesting. Sirius was in the middle of a vivid description of that one time when he'd gone swimming with his family and a leech had gotten _into his pants_ when he suddenly broke off in mid sentence.

"Hey, look over there, Lily and Severus! Let's go sit with them."

Peter nodded hesitantly, for while it was true that Snape seemed to accept Sirius – although to Peter it seemed like he _tolerated_ him more than anything else – the same didn't appear to apply to Sirius' friends. But Lily was kind even if she was a bit highly strung, and he supposed that it would be okay while she and Sirius were around.

"Hi, can we sit here?" Sirius was smiling in a way that positively radiated anxious well-will.

Severus wanted so badly to say no, but a warning look from Lily made it clear that she would be very, very cross with him if he did, and he never wanted to make her angry. "I suppose so," he therefore replied with a voice that he tried to keep neutral. It still ended up more in the vicinity of hostile than most people would consider as polite, but Sirius never seemed to notice subtleties like that anyway.

Peter _did_, and flinched a bit before sitting down as far from the black-haired Slytherin as possible, while Sirius plunked down next to Snape and started chatting amiably about all the homework he hadn't done when he should and just how cross McGonagall was going to be with him, in a tone of voice that suggested that this didn't bother him at all. Lily smiled, shook her head at him and called him an idiot, but still in a rather kind voice. Severus tried – and failed – to ignore him and focus on his own homework. Peter fidgeted.

"So, what are you doing?" he asked unsteadily, wanting Sirius to stop talking so that Snape would stop trying to glare a hole in his notebook.

"We're just preparing for the next Potions class, Severus is helping me understand the tricky bits," Lily replied with a smile.

Peter opened his mouth to ask a question about the tricky bits himself, but one look at Snape's hostile face made him change his mind. Sirius grinned and nudged the boy sitting next to him in a friendly and familiar way that seemed to take Snape totally aback. "I don't know how you manage to figure those things out. It's all mumbo-jumbo to me."

"Maybe, if you actually paid attention in class, it wouldn't be," Severus said, inching away a little from Sirius.

Sirius pouted. "But I _do. _Or at least, I try to. But… well, sometimes I just can't." He shrugged. "I suppose I'm not really clever enough."

'_Shoot me. Now,' _Severus thought, but the filthy look he received from Lily prevented him from agreeing. "Of _course _you're clever enough!" she trilled, as always eager to be nice and perhaps overdoing it that crucial tad that could make you sound like you were talking out of your ass.

Sirius beamed at her, and then shot Severus a slightly hurt look before bending over his homework with an expression of almost comical helplessness. Peter, uncomfortable with the whole situation, looked away and wondered when, if ever, Sirius was going to tire of this. Or would Snape be the one to cut away first? And if that happened, would Sirius change back to his old self?

He hoped not.

xxx

Small things can have monumental effects. Sirius's decision to follow Severus left him changed, perhaps more than he realised himself. In effect, everyone around him were forced to take different paths than the one they'd been following. For some, the view didn't change much, and others set out on a trail that would sooner or later lead them to a steep cliff that might look like an end, but only would be if they were too scared to take a leap of faith.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Thank you, sweeties :D Well, this is basically a chapter meant to establish how the incident in the first chapter changes everyone. So if you think it's OOC, we're doing it right XP

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* * *

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**Chapter Two**

* * *

One day at the end of their first year when they were running down an empty corridor late for Potions class, James decided that it was the appropriate time to ask Remus a question that had been nagging in his mind for a while. It didn't strike him until later that his timing might have been just a tad off.

"Um… Remus," he said, slowing down to a stop. "I need to ask something, but you have to promise not to get mad, okay?"

Remus continued running ahead quite a few paces before realizing that James had disappeared from his side. He turned to stare at his friend, nonplussed and somewhat frazzled. "Uh, James…" he stopped, recognizing the signs. He was clearly not getting away from there until James had managed to get this question out, and the quicker that happened, the less late they were going to get. Not that Remus minded them being late that much, but he had a feeling Professor Slughorn might. "Okay, fine. Out with it."

James shifted his weight and stuck his hands deeply in the pockets of his robe, hunching his shoulders up as if they could form some sort of shield around him. "Well…er, are you a werewolf?"

Remus blinked, feeling every coherent thought burst like bubbles in his brain, and only after he stood stock still and stared dumbly at James for a while did it decide to start working again.

'_Say something. Anything. Preferably a denial; a strong, forceful denial__. Convinced! I need to sound _really_ convinced. Promise or no promise, I should still act as if… as if it makes me really angry that he even suggested it. Maybe even rush away from James? Yes, that's good. I'll refuse to talk to him for a while, and then I'll forgive him. Yes. Yes, that's it. Everything will be _fine_ if he just stick to that plan...'_

He opened his mouth and said: "How did you know?"

'_Argh! Curse my tongue!'_

James relaxed a little, relieved to have been right since it would have been _incredibly _embarrassing if he'd been wrong, and he might have gotten himself into a huge fight with Remus over it at that. It wasn't exactly polite to accuse someone of being a werewolf.

"I just started thinking it was a bit weird that your mother always got so sick that you had to go visit her once a month, but you couldn't really say what was wrong with her. I don't know how I figured out that it _was_ once a month, it's not something you think about really," he rubbed the back of his head with a slightly embarrassed look on his face, "you know how I'm like. Some things just pop into my head. Anyway, then I started to notice other stuff about you that seemed a bit weird, and then I heard a couple of third years talking about their essay on werewolves and it seemed to fit, so I looked it up and… yeah."

Remus stared for a long while before voicing his heartfelt opinion of the matter. "No _way_ you managed to… Seriously?" He suddenly wished that he hadn't picked a quite so intelligent best friend. Sometimes, James was a little bit creepy, the way he just… came up with stuff.

James grinned, as usual incapable of hiding the tiny bit of smugness that he felt whenever he baffled people with something he's figured out. "Seriously. I don't care about it, just so you know, I just wanted to check. It's still good to know how things really are."

Remus, who hadn't even considered up to now that there might've been a chance that James _would_ care, caught up in his own bafflement, felt belated panic suddenly rising and then fading. Feeling rather stupid, and rather a bit embarrassed, he cleared his throat. "So… so if we're cool about it… I suppose this means I should tell the others, right?"

"Could be a good idea, they'll probably figure it out anyway."

Remus snorted. "They might have already, for all I know. I mean, Sirius would never ask because what if he was wrong and I got really hurt and wanted to kill myself. And Peter would just be Mr. Sensitive about the whole matter because being around Sirius that much would addle anyone's brain." He sighed, shrugging. "But they're my friends so I suppose I will. Still, I'm glad it was you who found out." As that last sentence was a bit embarrassing, Remus valiantly avoided acting like a total girl by grinning widely at James and then bolting down the corridor with a holler of, "Last one there gets to scrub the cauldron!"

* * *

"Severus, come." Lily grabbed her friend by the hand and started dragging him from the library. They were in their second year, and had known each other for more than three years, and he still didn't react when she did things like this without any explanation. After a couple of minutes, though, he ventured a question.

"Where are we going?"

"Outside. Sirius is upset, so I thought I'd fetch you," she stated matter-of-factly without slowing down.

Severus's eyebrows knotted together n confusion. "Why?"

"_Because,_" she said in that overly patient voice that even grated on _his_ nerves, "Peter is stuck in detention and you are the only one except him who can calm him down. You _know_ that, Sev."

Severus sighed. He might know it, but it absolutely didn't mean he _liked _it. "Alright."

Lily gave him a look over her shoulder, rolling her green eyes at him. "Oh, that's mature. Come on, what's so darn bothersome with helping a friend out once in a while? He'd do the same for you."

"He is _not_ my friend," Severus retorted stubbornly, flapping awkwardly after her. Pre-pubescence had not been kind, awarding him with an early growth spurt that hadn't exactly improved his bodily coordination, and it hadn't been all that impressive to begin with.

"No, _of course_ not." Lily might one day get the hang of subtle sarcasm, but that day was far off. "You just spend time with him almost every day, but honestly, you don't even like him, right?"

"I don't spend time with him, _he_ spends time with _me_," Severus protested, waving his free hand expressively. "I don't know what his deal is, but he refuses to leave me alone, and if I try to tell him off he gets this really… sad look on his face, and… and it's just easier to let him hang around, all right?"

Lily giggled. "Oh, I see. And that really sad look bothers you because you don't care at all about him and really don't want him around? That makes so much sense, thank you for clearing that up." She was getting more subtle by the minute.

"Don't be snotty, like you're not pretending to dislike Potter," Severus snorted.

Lily turned up her chin, giving him a cold look. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean by that. Oh, here we are." She nodded towards a forlorn figure sitting down by the lake, apparently not disturbed by the cold, damp autumn winds that robbed all sensory ability from one's fingers in about three seconds. "I think it's better if you go alone," she added pointedly before turning to walk away. "Oh, and Severus," she added, looking over her shoulder and giving him a dazzling, warm smile. "I think you just admitted to pretending to dislike Sirius, didn't you?"

* * *

In year three, Remus discovered girls. Not knowing that Severus was _way_ ahead of him he did feel a little smug about it. He was a _man_ now, while the others were still boys, interested in such inconsequential things as Quidditch and _studying_. He tried to show them the light, but they seemed oddly reluctant.

"But come on, just look at those _legs_!" he hissed to James one morning at breakfast, pointing at the tall, sixth-year Slytherin girl that glided past them on her way to her seat. "Even through her _robes_ you can see that she has great legs!"

"Yes, well, so do I, I suppose, but I certainly hope no one is looking at me like that." James grinned, but looked somewhat paranoid at the mere thought.

"But…but…" Remus searched erratically around the room for something, or some_one_ that might get James to understand. He found it. "All right, take a look at Evans over there," he said, slinging an arm over James's shoulder. "Look at her br…eyes."

James obediently turned his gaze to his redheaded classmate, who was helping Sirius with his homework and smiling benevolently while she did so. It was true that it was rather… pleasant to rest your eyes on her. And she did have a smile that made you feel kind of fuzzy and warm inside, like a sudden burst of sunlight. And when she turned away to say something to Snape, laughing, he felt somewhat annoyed that he couldn't see her eyes anymore.

"Well," he said reluctantly, "I suppose you might have a point."

"I know I do," Remus said with infinite satisfaction and released his grip on James to dig in on a piece of toast.

But James had somewhat lost his initiative to eat. He continued watching Lily, and it didn't seem like he would stop anytime soon.

* * *

It was rather late in the evening. James had just returned from raiding the kitchens, and was thus burdened down with more pastries and sweets than even a healthy teenage boy could manage to devour on his own. He was trying to negotiate himself and his burden through the portrait hole when he heard a sliding noise and saw Remus land at the bottom of the stairs to the girls' dormitories (the trick to getting there in the first place, Remus said, was going up _together_ with a girl, and the charm wouldn't work). He had the familiar tousle-haired, lipstick-smudged look that his friends had rather gotten used to during the last two years, and he was wearing a big, smug grin that spoke volumes. Cordy had apparently been in a good mood tonight.

They nodded at each other in greeting, but they were both rather tired and settled for going up the stairs to their dorm in companionable silence. It wasn't until they were almost by the door that they heard the whimpering; flinging it open in sudden alarm, they walked into a scene that made them both freeze in shock.

Sirius was on his back in his bed, thrashing wildly and whimpering loudly. Peter was almost on top of him, pinning his hands to the mattress and holding him in place with a strategically placed leg. His lips were moving, but it was impossible to hear what he was saying over Sirius' sobs.

"What the… _Peter_!" Remus shouted as James threw himself forward to get Peter off of Sirius.

Peter looked up, gave them both a wild-eyed look, and then James was upon him, trying to tear him away. He clung to Sirius for dear life, swearing at James while he did.

"No, stop it! It… it's okay…" Sirius was still shaking, his voice was broken and his lips were white, but one of his hands now gripped James' arm, stilling him. Peter shrugged him off with yet another curse, then turned back to Sirius, eyeing him in concern.

"Really," Sirius continued through gritted teeth as he was racked by another shaking fit, "Peter is just trying to help… I'm being s-silly."

There was a long, horrible moment of silence, before Peter sighed. "Well, Sirius, now we will have to tell them." This brought on another spasm, and Peter promptly grabbed Sirius' hands again, preventing him from involuntarily hitting himself. "I know you don't want to, but how do you expect that I explain this otherwise?"

"I…" Sirius gulped rapidly after air, "…I just don't want people to… to worry about me…"

"It's a little too late for that," Peter said dryly, and then hurriedly apologized as Sirius once more started to shake.

"Bloody hell, what's wrong with him?" Remus said as he came to sit at the edge of Sirius's bed. "Epilepsy? And if it's that," he continued, turning to Sirius, "why would us knowing about it be a problem?"

Peter smiled weakly at Remus and held Sirius still until the shaking subsided once more. "No, nothing quite as physical," he said, coaxing a pillow under Sirius' head and then slowly letting him go. The other boy whimpered quietly and curled up, but the tremors that shook his body now were less violent. Once he closed his eyes for a short moment, Peter pulled his wand out of his pocket, whispering a charm that would put him to sleep. Then, sighing and looking very tired, he sat up.

"I don't really know how to explain this, but… You know how Sirius is always… worrying about people?"

James and Remus nodded.

"Well, the thing about him is that… he doesn't let go, see? He just keeps on worrying about _everything_, and the more things he starts to worry about, the closer he gets to… _this._" Peter slumped forwards, leaning his head in his hands. "This happens once in a while. Sometimes it takes months before there is a new attack, but it never really stops. Sometimes it happens every other week."

"Why didn't you _tell_ us?" Remus said. "We could have _helped_!"

James was seemingly in shock, staring blankly at Sirius's now peaceful face. "How could I not see it?" he said quietly, not really asking anyone but himself. How could he, one of the most brilliant and observant students at Hogwarts, not have seen that one of his closest friends was in agony?

Peter looked up and sighed once more, reaching out to pat James' hand. "It's impossible to notice if you haven't seen him like this. Severus was just as stunned when he found out. It's so very important to Sirius that people don't notice, you see. I think that is why the attacks are so powerful; he just keeps it all in until he can't anymore. I noticed by mistake when he was sleeping over at my house. Why do you think he never stays with anyone else but me during the holidays?" His voice diminished, became small and ashamed. "And I know I should've told you. Only, every time I suggested it to Sirius, it set off another attack, and I was frightened…"

"Oh, I can understand that," Remus said, looking horrified. "But wait a minute, _Snape_ knows about this?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, but it was this one time, he... Sirius had locked himself in an empty classroom and I just couldn't get him to open the door, and… and he usually listens to Severus, so I… I went and got him. I was desperate. And I know you probably think I should've gotten you instead, but the thing is… if Sirius would ask if either of you are worried about him because of this, you'd have to say yes, right? Whereas Severus' reaction to that was, 'Why should I? I honestly couldn't care less,' and that, strangely enough, made Sirius a lot calmer." He shrugged, smiling wryly. "He was, of course. Worried, I mean. I've never seen him so angry in all of my life, once he realized that he was the only one I had told. But he agreed to keep it a secret, once I had explained."

"Okay, so that doesn't really make sense," James said, "but it makes sense… if you know what I mean." He smiled a little. "I think I'm trying to say that I understand why you chose not to tell us, and I'm not mad." He wrinkled his brow. "Geez, I never realized Sirius liked Snape _that _much. I've been really dense when it comes to him apparently."

"I second that," Remus said. "All of it."

"Yes, well, he's a frightfully good liar, probably because he really tried not to lie. It would horrify him if you thought that he's been dishonest, as a matter of fact, but I know you won't confront him about this." There was a sudden hint of steel in his voice now, but it melted into relief as he smiled at them. "I am really glad you know about it now. It's been very… difficult. For the both of us." He hesitated, his expression growing somewhat guarded, especially when he looked at James. "Oh, and I should tell you… Lily… well, she doesn't know how bad it is, but she knows Sirius is troubled and she usually knows where to find Severus, so if anything happens and I'm not around, you can always talk to her."

James perked up a little at that prospect, and then felt a wave of shame as he realized that he'd just found an _up_side to his friend's psychological problems. "All right, let's all try to take care of him and hope that he figures out a way to get better."

"I'm glad you think so. Because we have to give up our plans at becoming animagi, James. Sirius can't take it. Just the mere thought of going behind everyone's backs like that is already breaking him, and if we actually go through with it… he won't survive that."

James opened his mouth, seemingly to protest, but Remus beat him to it. "Whoa there, what plan, and why don't I know anything about it?"

Peter cleared his throat awkwardly. "It was supposed to be a surprise, see? We thought we'd become animagi so that we could keep you company during the full moons. I mean, obviously we know that you're not yourself then, but we thought that maybe that wolf side of you would be less insane and… eh… go easier on the self-mutilating if it had some company. Only Sirius… you know what he's like with breaking rules and keeping secrets…"

"But _of course_ you shouldn't do it!" Remus said with exasperation. "I mean, I'm extremely flattered that you'd do that for me, but it's bloody dangerous, and definitively not worth it. Especially not if it hurts Sirius."

"Not _that_ dangerous," James protested, looking a bit miffed. "I've almost got it all figured out. But if this is what happens to Sirius because of it…" He sighed. "Then I guess we'll have to give it up."

Peter nodded. "It would help. I don't think there's any way of completely preventing this from happening, but the less he has to worry about, the better. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

Peter knew that as soon as he was allowed to draw the curtains around his own bed he was going to cry himself to sleep with relief. But he figured James and Remus had witnessed enough emotional outbreaks for one night, so for now he only smiled a somewhat strained smile at them and nodded. "Then we have a plan."

* * *

It was in fifth year that Sirius finally decided that it would probably be okay if he asked Severus for confirmation on something he'd suspected a long time. He was _quite _sure by now that it wouldn't lead to Severus being particularly angry.

"Uhm, Severus," he said meekly, sitting down beside his friend in a secluded corner of the library. "I've wanted to ask you… are you… that is, are you… interested in Lily?" Before Severus even had chance to draw a surprised breath, let alone reply, Sirius realized that this was, after all, a horrible and insensitive thing for him to ask, and started to apologize. "I'm so, so sorry, I really shouldn't have asked that, it was terribly tactless of me. Please forgive me." He blushed miserably and stared at his own hands, certain that Severus would never forgive him and probably hate him for asking.

"Oh, don't wet yourself, I'm not angry," Severus snorted. "But it's still none of your business."

Sirius nodded, smiling tremulously. "Thank you. And I shouldn't have asked, I really shouldn't, I just thought…" He fidgeted with a quill, the bookwormish pallor of his cheeks suddenly stained with pink as he blushed. "I really wanted to talk to you about something, but I really don't know where to start, so I thought I'd just… I don't know, broach a similar subject and perhaps… ease my way there?"

Severus couldn't help himself, he had to smile. But only a little. "All right then, I'll give you this: Considering my general personality, and _Lily's_ general personality, and what I put up with from her end, is it in fact plausible that my feelings for her are those of mere friendship? I'll let you do the rest of the work yourself. Enough easing for you?"

Sirius looked a little surprised at this almost-admission, but then smiled brightly at his friend. It was true that one of the reasons he had wondered was the fact that Severus had never gone berserk at Lily, not even when Sirius, in the depths of his forgiving, gentle soul, had to concede that she was being absolutely maddening.

"I… yes. Thank you." Knowing Severus trusted him would make it a lot easier to tell him, but it wouldn't make it _easy_. "There is just something that I've… figured out about myself, and I… I wanted to tell you first."

"Well, out with it then."

Sirius took a deep breath and closed his eyes, hoping that would make it less difficult. It didn't. It made it even more terrifying. So he opened them again, meeting Severus' gaze and solemnly promising himself that he would hold it until he was done. "What I wanted to tell you is… is that… I…" He faltered into silence and had to pinch the inside of his own wrist to snap himself out of the sudden panic that engulfed him. "I wanted to say," he began anew, "that I've found that I'm… not interested in any girl at all. Because I'm… not interested in girls. I'm interested in… boys." He said the last word in a very small voice, but using every scrap of willpower he could muster, he managed to still meet Severus' gaze.

Severus was silent for a few, long moments. He would have sat even longer, if it wasn't for the fact that he knew that for every second of silence, Sirius was coming up with a million reasons to why he wasn't saying anything, and they probably all circulated around Severus hating him and never wanting to see him again. "All right… this is a little… awkward. I don't… I don't _mind_ as such, but it is a bit strange."

"But… but you don't mind? _Really_ don't mind?"

"What can I say? It's not like you're doing it on purpose. I'm not particularly comfortable with the idea, but I expect it'll grow on me."

Sirius made a move as if to lift his hands, and then stilled, looking embarrassed. "Giving you a hug right now would be a bad idea, wouldn't it?"

"Yes Sirius, yes it would," Severus said, but he was smiling again. Still only a little of course, but smiling nonetheless.

* * *

Figuring that he was already through the worst – i.e. telling Severus – Sirius decided that it was probably time to tell the rest of his friends as well. He didn't need bother with Lily, because telling Severus was basically the same as telling her, but there was still the matter of his dorm mates.

James's response was to draw an enormous sigh of relief. "_Finally_! I've been waiting for you to tell us for _ages_!"

Remus on the other hand looked disgusted. "Are you serious? You want to do it with _boys_? I mean, all right, whatever rocks your boat, but _ew_!"

Peter hardly reacted at all, only blinked and then nodded. "Makes sense," was all he said.

Sirius had by now come to the conclusion that his assumption that Severus would be the worst trial had been a bit premature. James' answer took him by utter surprise, and Remus' was more than just a little hurtful.

"You _knew_? _How_ does it make sense? And I'm sorry, but I really can't help it." His right hand had started twitching. Peter was by his side in half a heartbeat, putting his hand over his and glaring at Remus.

James cleared his throat, preparing to launch off into one of his characteristic explanations of how he'd figured something out. "Well, at first I thought you were just extremely shy, since you looks so very embarrassed whenever Remus talks about girls, but then I started to notice that you didn't seem to be interested in them romantically at all. I mean, you have loads of female friends, more than all of us put together I should think, and you treat them all like sisters. And then I saw those sort of shy, sidelong looks you were giving some of the boys, and I had heard somewhere that some people like other people of the same gender, so I started asking careful questions, and the more I found out, and the more I thought about it, the more obvious it seemed. So there you have it," he finished with a grin.

Remus squirmed, looking a bit embarrassed. "Hey, don't worry Sirius, I don't have anything against you or anything. I just think it's gross, just like I think it's gross that James likes Brussels sprouts. I mean, _no one_ likes Brussels sprouts!"

By now Sirius was looking more horrified by James than by Remus. "Am I really that obvious?" he said in a small voice. "I mean, I don't… well, I suppose I _do_ look at boys, sometimes. But… but not much. I think. _Do _I? Oh, no, what if someone noticed…" He buried his face in his hands. Peter was forlornly patting him on the back, his eyes begging James for some kind of help.

"No, no, no," James said, "it's just that I'm good with these kinds of things Sirius, you _know _that."

Sirius nodded, taking several calming breaths. "I know. I'm sorry. I just don't want anyone to think that I'm ogling them. Not that I do ogle people! I mean, I do look but I don't think… you know, _things_ about the people I look at. Well, at least not usually. Oh no. Please forget I said that." If one could die of embarrassment, Sirius was sure he was doing a great job in the suicide apartment at the moment.

"Aaaaargh, just stop it!" Remus cried, "I ogle people all the time, and you still like me, right?"

"Yes, of course I do!" Sirius replied anxiously. "It's just… well, I'm just afraid it will make you uncomfortable, that's all. Because I technically could be ogling you. Which I don't. _Really_."

James looked amused, and Remus looked absolutely horrified. "God I hope so!" he said, earning a smack over the head from James.

"Stop being such a brute you idiot, you're going to make Sirius sad, and he was really brave to tell us!"

"Yes, you were," Peter said quietly, finally finding that he could contribute to the conversation again, "and we're really glad that you trust us enough to tell us. _Of course_ we're not going to be awkward about it." He shot Remus a rather stern look before he continued. "I mean, it's not something that just happened. You've always been like this. The only thing that's different is that now we know. Except, apparently, when it comes to James. And he has probably known about it longer than you have." After just the briefest moment of hesitation he slung an arm around Sirius shoulders and gave him a short hug. Sirius appeared to be almost melting with relief.

"Whilst running the risk of being called a brute again, could we _please_ change the subject now?" Remus said with a pleading look at his friends.

Peter and James exchanged exasperated looks, but Sirius nodded gratefully. "I think I'd like that too."

* * *

**A/N: **Let the drama begin!


End file.
